This New Path

The alarm pierces our slumber. We step into our starting blocks, leaning into the fire that is about to burn in our muscles as we sprint into the day. Round and round the track we’ll go. Get kids ready for school. Breakfast. Homework. Lunches. Gloves, boots, snowpants. Backpacks. And did you brush your teeth??? Out the door to the bus stop.

During the day, we continue around the track, whether it be at work or at home. The kids get home and it’s a snack, our cackling voices rushing them along, hurrying and getting them ready for this activity and that activity,out the door, picking up this neighbor for carpool, remembering your daughter’s water bottle and favorite stuffed panda, your son’s baseball glove, bat and helmet, your other daughter’s dance shoes or choir book.

On Friday night, maybe there is an occasional date night. Maybe a family grill out with close friends. Maybe your daughter’s hockey game to sit in the stands and hoot and holler for your team with all the other fellow parents. Sunday brunch at your favorite bustling spot. Sunday night, you ready for another push through the week. Pack bags, homework done, and then all over again.

We heave and we push, and around the track we sprint. It seems the pace never slows, and it is seemingly never ending, doesn’t it?

It seemed never ending, didn’t?

Now. Now we settle. We scramble to figure out this new homebound life. We blink hard, take a deep breath, and adjust.

School is cancelled. Activities are cancelled. Commuting to work in an office building is cancelled. Social events are cancelled. Sporting events are cancelled. Choir concerts are cancelled. Our sense of physical social togetherness and community is cancelled.

Our anxiety heightens as we watch daily reports of illness rise. The death tolls rise. We worry about grandparents. We worry about are loved ones far away. We worry about those that are less equipped for illness, for this financial crisis.

As if in a dream-like state. Is this real? Are we truly on this ledge, scampering for resources to prop ourselves up? Desperately trying to keep ourselves protected and from losing our balance and tipping over?

We count the days, the hours, the minutes. They change as quickly as they arrive.

I feel undeniably thankful for the role I have been given in all of this. To love and protect my family and friends. To extend support to my community. To care for people in need. At times, these exact privileges overwhelm me with great anxiety and exhaustion. At times, I am beyond grateful for this life my husband and I are so lucky to live. At times, I count down the minutes to the end of the day and break down in tears because I don’t know how else to process my emotions. At times, I feel ashamed and guilty about my own reactions, feeling what I am doing is largely not enough. That there are people struggling with so much greater than my anxiety, like where their next meal will come from or how they will continue to provide a sustainable life for their families.

I share all of this with you to let you know that you are not alone. It is okay if we all have moments big and small. High and low. It is okay if you suddenly have tears in your eyes and feel like you don’t have it all together. We have all been there. It is also okay if you are secretly happy to slow down with no one to rush, to enjoy your family at home, and stay in your pajamas all day.

None of us have ever done this before and there is no wrong way. Give when you can, support your community as you can, reach out for all those exact things when you need them too.

Most of all, be gentle with yourself and allow yourself grace.

As my family and I step off the track and put the starting blocks aside to walk down this much slower, open path that is yet to be paved, I am overcome with all the emotions. The joy, the peace, the anxiety, the wearing of my patience, the exhaustion, all of it. Some days are better than others and some days are a revolving kaleidoscope of all the feelings.

Let’s support one another. Does your friend mama have a color-coded home school schedule complete with solar system diorama and clay ceramic-making art class? Like what. That’s freaking amazing. Did your other friend mama splurge and subscribe to Disney plus and three new video games to occupy her kids? Awesome! How much fun for them.

Let’s allow one another to do what we can as we try to find our new footing. Let’s acknowledge that we will feel how we feel and let it be okay and enough. Let’s meet each other where we are and gently, steadily, with so much love, we will get through this.

4 thoughts on “This New Path

  1. I love you and miss you and wish I was working alongside you through this:( But I am BACK in the hospital here in RW, thank goodness! I’d feel terrible if I wasn’t in the ER.

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    1. I love and miss you Sarah Ball!!! We are due for a day together when all of this settles. Sending you big hugs and so much love. Thank you for all you do. Be safe and stay healthy my beautiful friend!

      Like

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