Today I sat over coffee with a friend I love so dearly. It has been months since I’ve seen her and sat with her, face to face. But with her, there is no front. I don’t know how you learn to trust the people you trust, but you just do. And we heaved right in. Because there was so much hard to sift through. So much we needed to share to unfold and refold in the shaping of our lives. Because with the people you trust, you want them to walk alongside you, and know your truth. You want them to know the way she knew when she asked me how I was, and I said I was okay, that I was not in fact okay. She knows who I am, not because we share countless experiences, but because we trust one another to come into each other’s space and be real and see each other’s truths.

She is brave and I am thankful she is where she has found herself on this day. With a lightness in her breath and a freeness in her laugh. She is letting go and moving forward. She is seeing her worth on the other side of so much heavy. I can see there is still struggle to climb through. I hear it in the cracks in her voice and see it in the welling in her eyes. But I am so proud of her and her strength. I am so proud she is choosing to always stay above where the ugly could drag her. Friend, you are mighty, and your kids will look back, wide-eyed, and always feel your love and know you will always be their constant. You will always be their home.

We talked about the often times unbearable amount we shoulder. The home, the meals, the kids, the work, the everything. It is too much and we are breaking. Under all this multi-tasking superhuman proficiency, we are being chipped away. We are weathered. When and how will we crack. You don’t understand unless you understand. I’m not in a space where I can articulate it more than that.

So, we turn to one another.

I remember when I felt like I just could not another moment. My son was sick. I was working an insane stretch. I felt like I couldn’t take in an entire breath. In that moment, it was the community of women that shoulder their own weight that leaned over to hold up mine. I never asked, but they knew. They leaned in with meals, carpooling, texts, and care packages. And every single piece of themselves they invested in me, gave me the air I needed to keep taking full breaths.

It’s hard. I never feel like I can’t do it all. I know I can carry all the bricks up that mountain, and do it well. But when my community shows up to offload this weight one brick at a time, my shoulders lighten. My back hurts less. I have more strength in each step.

This week, I feel more grounded. I feel as if I have the energy to carry an extra brick. I know my community well enough that I know they will not solicit for help in the same way I will not solicit for help. So in the same way they showed up for me, I show up for them. In care packages, in homemade pasta and meatballs, in texts, and in coffee dates. I need them as much as they need me, and that is what true community has taught me. Lean on me and I will lean on you. And when everything feels too heavy, we will lighten one another’s load, one shared brick at a time.

Grandpa hasn’t picked us up in a long time. When he gets done in the hospital I’m going to show him something. I wish it hasn’t been a long time.

These are the words my three-year-old said out of the blue tonight when I was tucking her in. A wave came over me; I sunk my face farther into her Lightning McQueen pillow and let my tears disappear into the red fabric underneath my cheek. I was thankful we were snuggling in the dark, crammed together in her toddler bed.

11 months ago when my father-in-law died, one of the things that brought me the greatest grief was the thought that my children’s memories of him would fade with time. Especially my youngest that adored her grandpa so much. My heart ached thinking that these memories of what Grandpa looked like, how Grandpa laughed, how Grandpa hugged would become blurrier and blurrier with time. As if with each year, we would lose more of him as the memories became more faint.

Out of the blue tonight, my youngest reminded me that Grandpa is still alive through her. The grief resurfaced from the undercurrents of the daily bustle. The waves stopped crashing and the wind settled, and the hollow that he left burned like fire.

I listened to her musings. The shadow of her face cast against the column of light that spilled through her cracked bedroom door. She looked so thoughtful as she pondered how long it had been since she had seen Grandpa. I wondered for a second if I should ask her what she was going to show Grandpa. But it was too beautiful and too heartbreaking of a moment; I decided to let my big-hearted three-year-old have that special moment with her grandpa to herself.

The holidays are nearing, and by nearing, I mean that we will be smacking face-first into them here as we turn the corner. It is a time when everything about the people you love is heightened. You are thrust together in a haphazardly coordinated fashion. You have idealistic expectations while simultaneously bracing yourself for the worst. You are excited to celebrate the best time of year with those that mean the most to you all the while knowing that they will likely get under your skin in 7 seconds flat. You have an idea which of your inadequacies will be immediately brought to your attention under the guise of “we’re just worried about you.” You will try to dart behind the children for distraction. Unless parenting is one of the points of criticism you are trying to deflect.

All cynicism and family dynamics aside, the holidays are a time of magic. Of festive lights brightening common, everyday fixtures. Of holiday stories, decorative cookies, and yearly traditions. It is a time to come together and celebrate and show with our own touch how we love those that we love most.

Unless someone we love most is no longer here. Then holidays become harder. Especially that first holiday without them. A void we never anticipated being part of the holidays sits loudly in the center of the room and throbs in our hearts. We see the joy of the holidays through a lens of aching—part of us remaining idly empty.   We move through the motions and we daydream about rewinding time to last holiday when the greatest stressor was what your inappropriate uncle was going to say in front of your kids. You crave being able to fret about the petty things that had occupied your thoughts, because that meant there were no waves of hollowness widely sweeping over you and making you gasp for air like there are now.

It is hard to feel festive when loneliness so definitively puts its arm around your shoulder. It is hard to let the excitement and joy win.

Tonight, I learned from my three-year-old. The best way to keep my father-in-law a part of our lives is to flood these holidays with his memories. To make him an integral part of our celebrations. To make sure he doesn’t fade in the eyes of our kids. To create new memories with the memories of him. This holiday, we won’t let the loneliness sidle up to us. We’ll inch it out with his presence in our hearts and in our traditions. Grandpa will be with us. And we will show him something over the holidays so it will not have been so long since we last saw him.

What I’ll remember most is this uncanny relationship you built with your two-year-old granddaughter. I’ll remember how she would run to you, her full head of flouncy blonde hair, whipping behind her and collapse across your legs, burying her flushed, chubby cheeks in her hands and head into your lap. You were her safety. You were her rock.  
That two-year-old. She is a smart one. Because that’s how we all felt. You were our safety. You were our rock. We all buried our heads in your lap in our own ways. For me, it was knowing every time we had a crisis with the kids–this kid had a fever and needed to be picked up from school when both Joe and I were working, that kid was vomiting and couldn’t go to school today, or someone needed to stay at our house because Joe was suddenly going out of town and I was working overnight, or we simply needed a night out–you were there. Drop everything. No questions asked. I would look at you with desperate appreciation, and you would look back at me firmly, “that’s why we’re here. Stay out longer. You guys need the time.” And I would sigh and breathe and want to cry, knowing you were there to lean on, time and time again, letting me know that being there for us was all you wanted in return.  
What I loved most of all, was that there was no questioning that your number one priority was always family. And most of all, your wife–the love of your life. At the core of it all, you lived your life to love your wife and family and to protect and take care of us all. Every ounce of everything you were went into taking care of us. I remember how when you became too weak to walk across a soccer field, you would drive your wife to her grandkids’ soccer practice and wait for her in the car. I’ll remember how you would rather be out of breath carrying bags than consider having someone else carry the burden. I’ll remember how you shooed me away from washing the dishes every time you saw my shoulders slump in exhaustion after a long day. I’ll remember how you acknowledged what an amazing dad my husband is for stopping what he was doing to help our son build a lego set he was struggling with. I’ll remember how every time without fail, you would put down your fork, and say, “My Doctor told me to stop eating when I was full”, with a wink and a nudge in my direction. I’ll remember how nothing lit you up the way talking about your kids coming to visit did, and how you were looking forward to walking around the hardware store with your son, checking out new gadgets, just like you two used to do. I’ll remember the afternoons we spent on the lake with you–always the driver of the boat–while the rest of us enjoyed a carefree summer day of sun, water balloon fights, and stops at the ice cream shop.  I’ll remember those pork chops you slow cooked over a bed of hot coals–your famous hot chops.  Oh, we’ll all remember your hot chops.  I’m so sorry if you never had Byron’s hot chops.  

You were never one to want a lot. Just your family. Just to feel useful and needed. Just to be able to provide. Just to see your family happy and comfortable. You spoke loudly with your actions what you seldom said with words: I am here for you. Always, no matter what, because this is how I love you–with everything I can offer.  
You have been the ultimate fixture in our lives. Always steady, always there, never wavering. We all leaned on you.  
Our two-year-old continues to ask, “Where is Abba-abba?” And I will continue to tell her, that you are right here in our hearts. Our permanent fixture.  
Byron, you are truly one-of-a-kind. We all miss you greatly. But you have emblazoned your love into each of our hearts.  
Thank you for being here for us, even in these days when you have gone.  
We will continue to love you the way you loved us–with everything we’ve got.  

Whichever side you fall, you cannot deny that half of the country is hurting. That half of the country is in pain. In disbelief. In fear. Whichever side you fall on, you can acknowledge that there are people excited about this new era. About a leader like no other we have ever known. Whichever side you fall, there are two perspectives that deserve acknowledgement and respect. For after all is said and done, we are all in this together. Please.

My parents came to the United States of America with two suitcases of belongings as their entire inventory of wealth. My mother came to a country where she did not speak the language. My father came to a country and dove into a post-graduate program to receive his Ph.D. in mechanical engineering in a language he had just learned to speak. My mother–from a wealthy family–that wept and begrudgingly allowed her to come to America, but made it clear that this would be a journey she must make on her own.  She wrote home about seeing snow for the first time, about American grocery stores, but never spoke a word about the poorly insulated one room makeshift shed being the only place they could afford to live. She never wrote about the times when their landlord turned off their electricity because they were late on rent. My father, from a farming family in rural Taiwan that made ends meet by eating the over-supply of sweet potatoes generally reserved to feed their livestock. My father, who found his passion in the math and sciences, and dragged his desk out to the sole street light on the dirt road they lived on when it became dark to continue studying.

My father studied hard when he came into his graduate program. My brother was born within their first year of them being in America. To make ends meet, my mom took on odd jobs that she could do from home while taking care of my brother. She gratefully accepted any hand-me-downs to provide for my brother from other foreign graduate students as their kids outgrew clothes. To make ends meet, my mom kept a tight budget, allotting money for food and bare essentials.

My mom tells the story, with a calm and steady voice of when my brother was preschool age. She went to the store to buy milk, and she came short of the 19 cents it cost for his milk. She rummaged through her purse, in her pockets, and ultimately felt as if there was nowhere to hide, but to swallow that lump in her throat and nonchalantly say she would come back for it later.

She tells the story of when she was so excited that my brother had a friend come over for a play date that in the weeks following, she encouraged my brother to invite his friend back. After being met with silence on numerous urgings, my brother ultimately replied, “He said he couldn’t, because his mom said our house was not a real house.” She turned that heartbreak into strength, and vowed at that moment, that she and my father would put every ounce of their energy into providing for my brother and his siblings to come, so we would never feel less than or have the opportunity to feel humiliated in this way.

Slowly, but with unwavering strength, my parents did just that. They carved out a life for themselves. A 5-bedroom, 4-bathroom life in the suburbs of West Des Moines, Iowa. They became American citizens. They raised three children that fully identify as Americans with families of their own, fully entrenched in the communities that they serve.

My parents’ story is the story of one American dream. Immigrants that paved their own way through hard work and heart ache. That made an amazingly better life for their family and fought to provide the wealth of American opportunities within finger’s reach for their children.

But my parents’ story is only one story of one American dream. There is also the American dream of the little boy that grew up knowing he should like girls, but instead fell in love with the man of his dreams as an adult. There is also the American dream of the little girl who grew up with a single mother working three jobs who never got a free ride and wondered if her daydream to pursue college was just a far away fantasy. There is also the American dream of the African American boy who grew up in a middle class family, whose mom is on the PTO, and yet he is still being convicted of a crime he did not commit because he was at the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong skin color. There is also the American dream of the boy who came from three generations of law enforcement who puts on that blue uniform for the first time knowing that he is carrying the great responsibility upheld by his family to serve and protect with pride and dignity. There is also the American dream of the boy who picks education over the violence on the streets he walks every day, who never feels the encouragement that his choices are the right choices. These are American dreams. These are the dreams we need to protect.

Whichever side you fall on, remember that our country is about heart, about hope, about fostering these American dreams. As we all breathe our next breath, let’s breathe together knowing we share this air, we share the land we live on, and we share this country.  Let’s respect and embrace one another with open minds with the ultimate goal to carry one another forward.  Let’s leave no one feeling marginalized or left behind. While some of our hearts are breaking and some of our hearts are feeling empowered, let’s fight hard to unite  when we need it most.

There is something about this Cubs win that is about so much more than sports.

When I met my father-in-law some 14 years ago, there were three things I quickly learned about him.  I learned that he has the best, hearty, deep-from-the-belly laugh. I learned that his greatest pride is his kids. I learned that he was a die-hard Cubs baseball fan.

The minute I stepped into his house, I felt I was home. He squeezed me by the shoulders, and he looked me in the eyes, and he yelled over to my then boyfriend, now husband, “Well, aren’t you lucky?” And the rest is history. I remember spending summer weekends at the lake with his teasing and affable banter. I remember big family holiday gatherings where he would always sneak time to sit right next to me, with his plate piled high with turkey, gravy, and Grandma’s famous potato salad, and he would say, “you having fun yet?” with that wink in his eye.

He didn’t have an easy life. There were obstacles that got in the way of life and family. He was a workaholic to a fault. But as life moved along, he woke up. He redefined his priorities, and he set out to be who deep down, he had always been, buried under those things that had led him astray. By the time I met him, all I knew was a man that loved his children and his family and a man that was wholeheartedly loved by my husband.

My husband gave the eulogy at his dad’s funeral. During the eulogy, he talked about his respect for his father. He was proud of what his father had overcome and who he had become. He was proud of how his father made amends and embraced loving his family as his greatest priority. His death left a hole in my husband’s heart that would take time to heal, but that would never completely mend. I am so thankful I met this great man in my husband’s life. I am so thankful we will always have memories of him infused in this family map we are weaving.

There have been so many times that we have felt his great void. My husband’s graduations from college and law school, our wedding day, the birth of his grandchildren, holidays, birthdays, family gatherings. In all the chaos of these wonderful celebrations, there has always been a moment’s pause, to recognize how much sweeter it would be to have him by our sides, laughing his deep-belly-laugh, and teasing his son about changing dirty diapers. I know if he saw who his children had become today, he would be bursting at the seams with pride.  We miss him.

One of my favorite stories is that of my father-in-law piling his dad and three young kids, including my husband, into the car one early Saturday morning, driving the three hours to Chicago to bring his family to their first Cubs babeball game at Wrigleyfield.  Then driving right back home after the game. When time is tight and money is tighter, you do what you can to create memories for your family and share the things you love. That is exactly what my father-in-law did.  He did it right. To this day, my husband cherishes that trip they took to the great Wrigleyfield and it remains one of the most magical places for us to visit. This summer when we took our own kids to Wrigleyfield for the first time, it was as if we were sharing a part of Grandpa Mark’s legacy with them.  It was as if he was there with us, sharing those Chicago dogs in a poppy seed bun, piled high with onions, mustard, green relish, tomatoes and a pickle spear.

My father-in-law was passionate about Cubs baseball, to say the least. To him, like so many, Cubs baseball is not just a sport. It is an undeniable, slightly crazed passion we high-five and howl over. It is putting all your life’s heaviness aside to cheer for America’s favorite pastime. It is a shared hope that brings us closer together. It is a place to belong. It is the heartbeat that unites us.

Cubs baseball is infused into the identity of my father-in-law and the family that gathered around him. His love for the Cubs has sparked and cultivated our love for the team, which we are now passing along to our kids. During this roller coaster of a history-making series, my father-in-law undoubtedly took a seat on the couch along side each of his children. He has brought us together, to celebrate the Cubs, because in celebrating the Cubs, we are celebrating his passion, his heart, and remembering his constant presence.  Every text that was fired between his kids as the Cubs scored a homerun, made a sick defensive play, won a game, was sent with the unspoken message, “wouldn’t Dad love this?”

We wish he could be here to experience this epic Win. Oh, you would love to hear his deep-belly-laugh in all its glory. You would feel his hands slap you on the back and love to watch him sweep his grandchildren off the ground with his big bear hugs.

This is more than a won baseball series. This is about the history and families of fans that have united behind their love for their team. Fans that remember their fathers and mothers, uncles and aunts, grandfathers and grandmothers that passed on this tradition to root, root, root for the Cubbies–win or lose. But this time, they won it all. And for all of us that are carrying on, generation after generation, this die-hard love for the Cubs, we are celebrating big, for us and those that we wished were right here along side of us.

Fly the W

Making plans with other moms these days is somewhat of an exercise similar to that three-mile run I force myself to do after a two week . . . or six month . . . hiatus from running. It is sweaty, it is a brutal uphill challenge, but when you come out the other end and finish that run–or find that one perfect day where your schedules match up–it feels like the best, inconsequential accomplishment ever. There are nap schedules, there are doctors’ appointments, there is gymnastics and T-ball, there are work schedules, that day your friend is watching her sister’s kids, your child’s preschool friend’s birthday party . . . I’m not even sure how it all piles up, but there are piles, and piles of commitments to navigate. But that is life, and it is rich, and it is wonderful, and it was worth all the hectic mayhem. We are so lucky to have the ability to participate in all these amazing things. This is what makes a family full and alive.

But as we age, there is something else presenting itself and glaring us in the face. It is the aging of our parents. It is their doctor’s appointments, their unexpected emergency department visits. It may be a fall. It may be weakness. It may be feeling dizzy. It may be feeling short of breath. We find ourselves sitting in hospital rooms with our lifelong caretakers. In our visions for our futures, with our homes, with our careers, with our families, we never envisioned this. This is all very unexpected.

I met my father-in-law 14 Thanksgivings ago. I was so nervous to meet my boyfriend’s parents. I had no idea what to expect and even less of a clue how to act. I battled my nerves the whole three-hour drive from our little bubble of a world on our college campus to my boyfriend’s little hometown in Michigan. He told me not to be nervous, “there is nothing to be nervous about! They will love you!” Ah yes. What mother doesn’t love the girl her son brings home? Of course she will think I am good enough . . .

I remember pulling up to their home. I remember finding my now father-in-law in the midst of making lunch for us. I remember that big, hearty hug he gave me, and that gentle pat on the back with those kind eyes. I remember feeling welcome.

I learned in the years to come more and more about my father-in-law. I learned that he worked hard hours, never complained, and put his head and hands to his work to provide for his family. He was always a do-it-yourself, fix-it-yourself man. He worked with his hands. He built the kitchen in their home. He built their deck. He fixed the plumbing. He fixed the car. He built an extra bathroom. Sometimes by trial and error, but he got it done. He was a man of not too many words, but he showed his love and affection through his work. He was the builder, the fixer, the caretaker for his family, for his neighbors, for his friends. When we moved into our new home and the basement flooded, we waited patiently for my father-in-law to visit so he could teach my husband how to replace the base molding that was now water-logged and rotted. After I gave birth to the twins and was in a complete state of sleep deprivation and disarray, it was my father-in-law that, night after night, cooked us dinner without which, I am at a loss to know how we would have eaten or if we would even have remembered. This is how he provided. He was the strength, producing for his family.

As the years have passed, I know it has been a struggle for him. It has been a struggle for him because often times, the walk up those 8 steps leading from our garage to our home is a daunting challenge. It sometimes takes all he has to make it up those steps, feeling winded, feeling light-headed, feeling bewildered, trying to remember when his physical strength had been hijacked. It breaks my heart to imagine what this must be like. To be the strength, and now to find your body unable to keep up with your will and desires to provide as you have lived your lifetime doing.

I can’t imagine, but I want him to imagine what it is like for us. For us, it has never been about what he built, it has never been what he could fix, it has always been about his intentions, the vast amount of love and steadfast committment that went into every project. It has been his effort, it has been his heart.

It is his heart. Oh, it has always, always been his heart that is his greatest strength. It is those words he says when I’ve been working tirelessly all weekend, feeling so incredibly worn, those words of acknowledgement, “you must be tired.”  This is the strength that we see in those kind, always welcoming eyes that I met those 14 Thanksgivings ago. It is that heart that my five-year-olds so affectionately call Grampy and my two-year-old calls Babba.

So, today, on my father-in-law’s birthday, I just want him to know, we see him for who he is. He may not say much, but we hear every word.  Don’t let his sometimes gruff demeanor fool you.  He is full teddy bear.  He is full of heart, he is full of love, he is full of strength.

On your 78^th Birthday, we love you Grampy, Babba, Byron. Happy, happy birthday.